The Sandlot

What standard personal ad terms really mean: (Also applies to myspace/profile descriptions)

tired of the bar scene = i'm so lame i can't even score at a meat market
single white female -- fat transvestite
average body = wont admit to the few extra pounds
likes conversation -- I don't put out.
movie buff/loves reading = i don't get out much at all
average build -- fat
i'm looking to meet new people = all the old people hate me
looking for commitment -- pushing late 30s and running out of time
enjoy meeting new people - posts on message board
animal lover - ugly
good listener = boring as shit so I have nothing to say
open minded -- desperate
unique - fat
spiritual - anti-semite

I must apologize for the gross topic and nature of this post. I was watching that Inside the Actpr Studio with Chappelle and there was a huge section on how he likes shit jokes and stuff. So i thought i'd talk about 2 common problems that can happen to a person.

The ghost poo is where you feel as though you have to go do number 2. So you drop whatever it is you're doing and head off the the john. You sit down and do your thing. Sometimes this can take awhile and be a lot of work. Now after you're done some people like to inspect their work. You look down in the bowl when to your shock, theres nothing in there, despite the fact you just spent 20 minutes grunting, groaing and pushing. You've just been a victim of a ghost poo. The only real cost to yourself was the time you wasted and what you may have missed out on while you weren't pooing like you thought you were. Its nothing that can make or break your day.

However, the never ending wipe has been know to kill a man. Once again, you hit the can and do your thing. Upon inspection, what should be in the toilet is there so you begin the clean-up phase. You grab your TP and make your first pass. I prefer to wipe front to back, that is to say from gooch back up your crack toward your waiste. (Back to front wiping is messy and weird and should never be attempted on a first pass if at all) Sometimes, and this is natural, you need to make multiple passes. On a few rare occasions however, you might find yourself half a roll of toilet paper in. This is the never ending wipe. No matter how much TP you use or how vigirously you go about it, you just can't get clean. The never ending wipe is time consuming and demoralizing and usually leaves you feeling the need for a shower.

This is why I like to poo before a shower and not after. In the event i get tagged by a never ending wipe, you can always just hop in the shower and finish the final stages of cleanup that way. Can't say i've ever had a ghost poo though.

I work with this guy chris. Everyone calls him skippy though. He lives in the trailerpark and is about 30. He's a good guy and all, but hes kinda dumb. To top it off he's got pretty poor hygene too.

Friday after work we all went to christina's (one of the waitresses) house to watch Waiting. As per usual everyone got pretty drunk by the end of the movie. After we gave Rueben a mohawk i went home. However, ruebz, skippy and greg went out to some bars after the festivities at christina's. I can only begin to imagine how much more they drank. I was off saturday so i didnt hear this story till Sunday when ruebz told me. I guess they were all bombed and ruebz decided to let skippy crash at his place so that where greg dropped the both of them off.

Ruebz flopped in his bed and skippy on the recliner in the same room. When ruebz woke up the next morning/afternoon, skip was no where to be found. Ruebz thought maybe he went home. Then he saw skips jacket. He went downstairs and saw his shoes as well, so he know skip was somewhere in the house. He went back ustairs and went to the bathroom. Then he heard a voice. After a few seconds of broken conversation, out walked skippy from Rueben's dad's bedroom. I should mention he was only wearing a tie and was concealing his junk with his hand.

Ruebz not knowing what was going on was just like ew get in the bathroom and ill get you some pants. What happened was this. Skippy being as wasted as he was, pissed all over himself and the recliner in his sleep. He must have woken up and stripped down. He then went and slept in Ruebz's dad's bed... naked. Mind you he did leave the tie on.

Thats the kind of shit i deal with at work.

So I just made a huge fumble. I was down in the dining room looking out the window at my neighbors hot tub I didn't know they had when I fucking drop the tupperwear container I had in my hand that was full of delicious mac n cheese all over the floor. Immediately I panicked and began scooping said mac n chee back into the container. See I love mac n chee almost more than life itself and to just recklessly dump a half box worth all over the floor after i'd eaten two spoonfulls was just unacceptable.

So i did what any person in my situation woulda done. Picked it all up, tossed it back in the microwave for a minute then went back to eating it.

Something left over from the superbowl. Guess Madden is good for something. Mainly a filler post till I get something good since i've been tied down with school and work for the last month.

enjoy.

Vince Vaughn summed it up best in Wedding Crashers:

I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.

I was walking through campus the other day and I started thinking about relationships, dating, sex and stuff. It all stemmed from this horrible article i read in the school paper. Some dude saying he took an oath of celibacy and how his life is so much more simple and stress free since its no longer complicated by girls and sex blah blah blah. Well i got to thinking.

The bottom line is of course sex. Everyone wants it. Some people come right out with it and go for it. Other people take the relationship route. But why do people get into relationships? To fuck. The pursuit of both those paths is fraught with games, stress, joy, heartbreak etc etc.


Thats mainly why i dont put forth any effort. On top of the confusion factor, as Mr. Vaughn so wonderfully illustrates, you have all the other things I outlined. Anything relationship or sex wise that has happened to me has just fallen into my lap with little to no effort on my part. Sure it doesnt happen as often as i would like, but whatever. My life doesnt revolve around trying to hook up with girls every night or every weekend. Im sure i could go out to bars and hook up with hideous drunk girls like lots of guys do. Thats not me though.

Maybe i think too much. Maybe i'm scared. Sometimes i meet a girl, and im like, this chic is beautiful. But then i wonder, ok what kind of person is she? Instead of just going for it, i have to satisfy my curiosity. Partly because I dont want to get into something that will be a waste of time(looks arent everything), and because even though i feel that magical connection to her, what if she doesnt?

Girls this is where you can help us guys out by being a little more forward with your feelings. Funny how guys have the rap of not being open. Girls are just as bad. Whereas guys are not open in a relationship, girls are not open pre-relationship.

I dont even know what im talking about anymore. Party at my house, Friday February 24th 1030-11pm start time. Find Cam Mrs. Right Night. Some food and beverage provided, bring some shit if you come. Anyone can crash overnight if they need to.

So Saturday a bunch of us had off work. Brett, rugger, tos and myself all made a journey up to the galleria. Brett wanted to go up there to go to the nerd store. I forget what its called but its located in the food court area and its got all the warhammer and other role play nerd game shit in it. We walk in, there's some dirty looking nerd hand painting some tiny little plastic figurines over in the corner. There's a few other nerds in there looking around and chatting with one of the employees/owner/manager/guy seemingly in charge. Soon as we walk in they all pretty much stop what they were doing and stare at us for a minute. Apparently its not everyday 4 fine looking strapping men come waltzing into their little realm of fiction. So we're making our rounds and the guy asks if we need help with anything. Which brings me to the point of why did we make a special trip just to go to this store.

Let me first take you back to about 2-3 weeks ago. Erik made a discovery that he still had the board game Heroquest. He began asking around if any of us had ever played it. Point in fact, we all had played it at some point in our pasts. I even have the game as well. So me Erik and rugger went over to bretts one Saturday and played. Playing Heroquest reminded BF of this other similar game he used to have/play called Mutant Chronicles. Apparently it was more or less the same principle as Heroquest but instead of wizards, elves, dwarfs and barbarians fighting orcs, goblins and things of that nature, this game featured genetically enhanced space marines dishing out justice. In the next few days there was countless bids on eBay auctions attempting to obtain a rare copy of the game. Like Heroquest, Mutant chronicles is one of those out of print 1990's board games.

So Brett tells the guy he's looking for these old school games. He seems amused and I think a bit shocked to discover our purpose. Unfortunately they don't have the stuff but if we have the time there's a shop about 10 minutes down the road on Walden Ave in Lancaster called Jester's Cap (or something like that) that might have some of it and if they don't they might be able to locate it for us. We thank him and leave. The rest of our galleria trip was uneventful. Bf bought a huge Army of Darkness poster and we saw a lot of sketchy and stupid looking people.

So we head off for nerd store number 2. Drive right by it thinking it would be in some sort of plaza and not a stand alone recessed building. This place is actually like 3 shops all combined into 1. In the center is the main store. We go in, there's warhammer stuff all over like the other store. They also have a ton of other shit. Some older stuff as well but nothing we wanted we could see. Brett talks to the guy behind the counter, some confederate army sympathizer dude in a cut-off shirt. He says they might have some shit in the other room. So we go over there and tucked in the corner is like 4 dudes at a table playing I think Magic: the Gathering. Again we get the stare down from these nerds. We snoop around a bit, don't find anything again. Me n tos cant take it anymore so we go sit in the truck. We see nerds go into the far right portion of the building which is just a room with tables and chairs. They too, start playing Magic.

Its ridiculous. I haven't been around nerd culture in a couple years and it again fascinated and scared me. The whole shop smelled like nerd. Makes me glad I didn't turn down that path in my youth too much. Sure I played Dungeons and Dragons with some of my friends but we certainly were not nerds. Its kind of funny, that we're are in our twenties and we're regressing back to our nerds days. Whatever though. BF won the auction and we should have Mutant Chronicles by the weekend; at which time we shall engage in bloody fisticuffs on the high planes of space.