The Sandlot

Being that its Mother's Day and I got up at fucking 4am to work my beer job this morning, I said to myself, "self, I think some donuts would taste wonderful after a morning of work." Being that Wrights Corners now has its own brand spanking new Tim Horton's, complete with the standard drive through, and that I'm lazy, I went there as opposed to Tops.

Big, nay, huge fucking mistake. I turn in the drive through and there's roughly 4 vehicles in front of me. Looks like I'm in for a wait. Or maybe not. The cars ahead of me cycle through at an acceptable pace. Then I get up to the ordering speaker, nearly drive right past it cause I spaced out, and only stopped cause I heard the girl inside ask me to hold on a minute. So i say sure and play the waiting game. A minute passes, then 2, pretty soon its like 8 minutes later. There's a rather hot looking girl behind me and i can hear her getting upset and cursing rather loudly. I try talking into the speaker to see what the deuce is going on, no response. Finally i like fuck this and i pull up and out of the drive through so I can go order inside. (The hottie behind me followed suit loudly dropping the F-bomb. I think I'm in love) As pissed as I was for having to wait for nearly 10 minutes I still wanted my damn donuts and was not going to be denied.

So i go inside. Its pretty nice looking and also kinda busy inside, but I see no reason for my 10 minute delay outside. So i look to see where I'm supposed to order. I see two lines of people, two registers, no signs. Not knowing if one end is for ordering and the other payment (like subway) or if one end you only get coffee and the other you get food I just kinda stand there for a second trying to sort it out. Takes like a minute and I realize you can order anything from either line and pay there so i zig to the right and hit that line since there's only one guy in it and the other line has like three. Then I spot the hold up.

Every person who works there appears to be moving in slow motion, like some dramatic action sequence from some buddy movie. The girl running the register where I am takes like, 3 minutes to get a guy a coffee and 2 donuts, even though both items are located just an arms reach away from where she's standing. It should take like, 40 seconds max to get this guy's food/beverage. Now its my turn to order. I ask for a half dozen donuts, 2 of each of the following: plain, old fashioned glaze and honey dip glazed. (I really wanted peanut and cinnamon roll but they were out on the shelves and I wasn't about to waste any more time) Total is $3.49. I hand her a $5, she tells me they're out of singles so i get my $1.51 back in quarters and a penny. Then I watch her slowly start getting my six donuts, only to watch her start grabbing the wrong ones. She's nabbing the sour cream glazed and plain so I politely point out her error and she gets the correct ones.

Now, I work in a restaurant, have for going on 9 years. Granted it's not a fast food place, but food service is all essentially the same. Get the food out looking great and properly prepared as soon as possible. No one at Timmy Hoes this morning was showing any hustle. Closer inspection of the staff showed they were all females, save for Shawn's brother Danny. I don't know if that means that women can't handle making coffee and breakfast foods while exchanging money with customers or maybe they just hired a bunch of retards at this place who all just happen to coincidentally women. Maybe they're going through the whole "I'm new its my first day I don't know what I'm doing" phase. I don't know, but I'm just saying. They better shape up or ship out.

Last night Cakes, Moose and myself hit up the Regal to catch Spiderman 3. Going to the big blockbuster type movies on their opening nights is always an experience in and of itself. Its like two separate events. You have the actual movie experience and then you have the sold out theatre of people to deal with as well. And like any "big" movie opening night, you have every random scummy douche minority asshole in existence in attendance. Last night was no exception. Oh there will probably be some spoilers below but I'll try to limit them.

1. The movie.

I thought the movie was good overall, very intense. The story direction was questionable in places, but I understand that certain things had to happen lest people get upset by unhappy events/endings. With that in mind, the movie could have been better but it wasn't bad by any means. I thought all the actors/actresses turned in fine performances. In the end it was a typical Spiderman film. Had some funny/cheeky designed moments and some unintentionally hilarious moments (more on that in the next section). Even though it was about 2.5 hours long it did feel a bit rushed and overwhelming at points because there was so much going on and so many story arcs playing out and eventually intersecting. Another half hour would have helped out. Its looking like a 3.5 star out of 5 film.

2. The crowd.

My first inkling that something was horribly awry was the posse of like, 15 Asian kids up in the ticket line when we first walked in. Thankfully moose had pre-ordered tickets so we didn't have to deal with it but said group ended up across the isle from us taking up like half the theatre.

Then we have the typical lame ass theatre moment that happened kinda early on in the film. I forget what happened (some monologue patriotic point or something) but all I know is some douche in the crowd kinda started clapping, and then a few more people joined in. Thankfully it did not escalate into a full theatre clap outburst but it got close enough where I had to say "Lame" pretty loud.

Then we have my favorite thing about a large groups of people. The inability to distinguish between whats funny and whats not funny. Not funny: when Peter and MJ are in the park and shes being blackmailed in breaking up with him and a fly happens to land on Toby Maguire's face for a brief moment. Half the room shouldn't start laughing during an emotional and tense scene like that because a fly happens to come on screen for a minute. People are so dumb that they only laugh at stupid obvious shit like that and not the biggest unintentional lol in the whole movie which I foreshadowed above and will explain now.

Peter has just gone to Harry's mansion seeking his help as the Green Goblin in rescuing MJ who has been kidnapped by Venom and the Sandman. Harry refuses on account of Peter killing his father and nearly killing him twice earlier in the movie. After Peter leaves Harry's butler comes on screen and reveals to Harry that his father had in fact killed himself and that Peter/Spiderman did not deal him the fatal blow. Then he gets all serious and emotional and busts out the best line in the movie: "I loved your father, and I love you..." (there was more but that's all i can remember because at that point I started laughing like an asshole.) And the kicker is, no one else in the movie laughed during this scene save for me and moose, who merely chuckled I think because of my reaction. But come on, the old butler who has like 3 lines in the entire movie who suddenly says this line that's just dripping with overt sexual connotation; that shit is hilarious.

"Oh hi I'm the butler, I used to want to F your dad when he was alive and now I kinda wanna do you Harry cause you're so cute and got a big bulge." People don't laugh at that but they do at a stupid fly. Good one.

The only other outburst happened when Peter accidentally smacks MJ in the face when hes fighting some bouncers at a jazz club.

So in review, slightly better than average movie, worse than average movie crowd. We did get some sweet previews though. Balls of Fury, The Bourne Ultimatum and Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. So some good stuff on the horizon.